I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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