No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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