No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
