seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
