now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
