I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
