my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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