i would punch a child for taco bell
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
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