Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were destined to go to rehab together
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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