dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
