my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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