i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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