a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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