I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
