I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
50% drunk capacity currently
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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