if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Randomize
