I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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