He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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