Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
