Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
