im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
