This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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