I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"