i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Randomize
