the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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