I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
