My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
