I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
