I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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