Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Randomize
