Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
