We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Randomize
