I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Operation Purity has been aborted
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Randomize
