u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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