I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Dignity is for republicans.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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