Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
