I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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