so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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