Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
