I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
