Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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