Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize