I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I would fuck him just for his dog
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
