The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
