Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
