You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
