RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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