I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
