I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
