Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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