I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
sarcasm needs its own font
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
