Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
