I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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