pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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