I'm lost and stupid without you.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
