So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Randomize
